To parents of boys: Are you afraid of who your sons might become?

11 October marks the International Day of the Girl. A day that highlights girls’ rights, opportunities and futures. But when we talk about a safer future for girls, I believe we must also talk about how we raise the boys who will be part of that future.

I know that many of us who are parents of girls have a huge knot in our stomachs these days. How do we protect our daughters? How do we prepare them? How do we give them the knowledge and confidence they need to avoid becoming part of the statistics on violence, abuse and rape?

But there is something I wonder about.

Those of you who are parents of boys, do you feel the same fear? Does your stomach tighten too?

Are you afraid of overlooking something along the way? That your boys might one day become men who use violence, commit abuse or rape? Do you think about how to prevent that, or are your worries mainly about protecting your sons from what others might do to them?

The men we know

In a national survey from 2023, one in five women reported having experienced rape involving force or coercion, rape while asleep or otherwise unable to resist, or both, according to the Norwegian Centre for Violence and Traumatic Stress Studies (NKVTS). About half of the women who had experienced rape had experienced it more than once. Most knew the perpetrator.

So we need to talk about the men responsible.

It is not always the frightening, unpleasant man we have been taught to watch out for.

It is the one who is always so nice. The handsome one. The popular one with the big group of male friends. The one everyone likes. The one who behaves completely differently behind closed doors.

It could be a boyfriend, a friend, a father or a grandfather.

Men who were once little boys too. Boys someone raised, felt proud of and wished every good thing for.

The responsibility we place on girls

I find it troubling how much responsibility we place on girls and their parents to prevent girls and women from being subjected to violence and abuse.

We teach them to watch their drinks. Think about how they will get home. Say no clearly. Recognise warning signs. And when something happens, the questions come: Why did she go home with him? Why was she walking alone? Why did she not speak up more clearly?

As though the responsibility still lies with her.

But how much responsibility do we actually place on raising boys who respect other people’s boundaries? What do we teach them around the dinner table, in the changing room, at school and among friends? And how do we react when our own son is the one who crosses a boundary?

Your kind boy, too

Most parents want to raise good people. But that also requires us to dare to look at our own children critically.

Because the friendly, popular and caring boy can also cross other people’s boundaries.

What do we do when our boys speak disparagingly about girls? When they laugh at crude jokes, share intimate images or dismiss a no? What do we do when our own son has gone too far?

Do we defend him because we know him as a good boy? Because he surely meant well? Because he has so much to lose? Or do we teach him to take responsibility for what he has actually done?

I want these conversations to begin early. Children need age-appropriate knowledge about bodies, feelings, boundaries, consent and relationships. They need adults who give them language for their own experiences and teach them to understand and respect those of others.

That is why we at Womanhood Initiative have developed Tidlignok.no, a digital educational resource for children, young people, parents and professionals. Children and young people can explore questions about bodies, health and boundaries, while adults can find support for conversations and teaching. We want this knowledge to come early enough to shape how children relate to themselves and others.

Prevention happens at home too. In the conversations we have, the attitudes we challenge and the responsibility we teach our children to take.

So what are you doing?

Because as the mother of a girl, I think about this every single day. About what my daughter might experience. Who she might meet. What someone might do to her.

But those of you raising boys?

Are you as afraid that your sons will become men who subject other people’s daughters to violence and abuse as we are that our daughters will experience it?

And if you are, what are you doing with that fear?